T-Shirt Contest!

Thanks to “Wine Broad” plugs last week on Tom Wark’s Fermentation blog and from Robert Whitley on his Wine Review Online blog, I’ve had a surge in visitors to my little corner of the blogosphere. (Crap, I told myself I’d never use that stupid word! Of course, I also said I'd never have a blog.) The happy result of that increased traffic is that more winemakers have stepped forward to join the “Bob Bitches club" (a charming term coined by a reader).

While I’m not reckless enough to put the shirts into commercial production, I don't mind giving a few away for entertainment purposes. “What’s the catch?” you say. “You’re not just going to give me a free t-shirt!”

OK, there are a couple of requirements, but I think you’ll agree that they will benefit us all:

1) There's a limited number of shirts available, so you’ll have to compete for them. The top 5 winemaker-written Haiku or limerick poems posted about you-know-who (no, I'm not referring to Lord Voldemort, though some may say there are similarities) will score stylish RPB t-shirts for the people who wrote them. Need help with the poem formats? That’s what Google is for.

2) Each winner must agree to send me a photo of him/herself wearing the shirt, so I can post it here for everyone’s amusement (especially mine).

Fair enough? Now get writing!

Contest deadline is September 6.

Note: I don't, in fact, believe that Mr. Parker is the spawn of Satan. He wields unholy power over the U.S. wine industry not because he has everyone hyp-mo-tized, but because so many wineries send him samples and live-and-die by the results.

Comments

[Josh]

Awesome.

I foresee that Bob's Bitches will become a mighty army.

We'll put the FU in spoofulate.

[Eric]

I like this, Tina. Plus I need another T-Shirt. I'll try the Haiku approach:

Parkeresque wisdom
concentrate, yes concentrate
BOOM...an explosion

[g]

young david once died
battling with a giant tongue
blow by blow by blow

[Marco]

Parker sips my red
light body low alcohol
spits, screams: fifty points!

[Harry Manzini]

small winery
large wine, large man
small minds

[rocket21]

A wine is not bound by its rating
Though some would have you believe it's berating
To be below eight-five
Best be buried alive
Maybe I'll have a better chance wine spectating

[Randy]

Haiku:

I shudder to think
One man has so much power
To make my wine win

Limerick:

One day in the grocery store
I spied a real Parker whore
With Wine Advocate clutched
And his eyebrows bunched
For the 90-pointers were no more!

Free verse:

I sit on the table, quiet, alone
I feel the walls of my prison, tall but clear
I see a shape approach
A shadow passes overhead, then
Suddenly I am raised up, up
The world tilts, I grow dizzy
A yawning hole in the sky passes overhead
I fall into oblivion
Shaken, tossed, I pass over and through a dark dungeon
I feel something rough pass through me, over me
An eternity passes, then
I sense light again, for a moment, then I see
The bucket

Iambic Pentameter:

Ne'er have I seen ever in all my years
Impossible focus on the numbers
At the apex, so the giant slumbers
One so able to engender these fears

Clearly, I want a shirt :)

[John Jackson]

King Parker

My name is Parker
and I wear the crown
My hundred point system
Is the big game in town

I swill em and sniff em
I drink and then spit
The makers all squirm
Will their wine be a hit?

The love and the care
They put in each ounce
Means little or nothing,
Only my Parker score counts

I like them deep
I like them dark
If you can stand up a spoon
They'll get a high mark

If the wine is quite heavy
I use the word unctuous
That really means oily
But you think it means scrumptious

I just love to use words
That are hard to pin down
No need to explain
'Cause I wear the crown

[John Jackson]

Oh, it needs to be haiku or a limerick. Here's another:

There once was a lawyer named Bob
Who was looking for a new kind of job
Now his word has great weight
and some think he's great
While others see a nattering nabob

[John Jackson]

One more:

In choosing with care a fine wine,
We all search for a hint or a sign
Want wine bold and darker?
Then listen to Parker
As he opines on the fruit of the vine

[Bradley]

In my market with a yen for some Pinot,
to match with my Friday night beano,
My choices grew starker whey I saw that Mr. Parker had down rated my favorite vino.