The Wine Broad's Board

More Time To Blog: HA!

When I embarked on this latest chapter of my wine-writing career--that is, being a free agent rather than a magazine staffer--I optimistically announced to readers (and to myself) that I would now have more time for blogging.

As if.

I quicky discovered that without a regular paycheck, I would have to hustle to pay the bills. Pitch, pitch, pitch! Thankfully, I've had plenty of people come to me with offers of work, which has kept me amazingly busy--and as a result, kept me from spending my time on Ye Olde Bloge. (Write something I'm not getting paid for? You gots to be kidding!)

I think that's the trouble with professional writers having recreational blogs: When you spend your whole day writing, it's not always that thrilling to sit down at the end of the day and write some more--and it's even less motivational when you're doing it for free. The most avid wine bloggers, I've noticed, are people who don't spend eight hours a day writing about wine. Go figure.

Of course, the bonus of blogging is that you don't have to pitch your blog topics to some editor, who may very well reject them and crush your pathetic little dreams. You can be as controversial/goofy/irreverent as you damn well please.

Don't think I'm giving up on the blog, though. I've just returned from an amazing winery tour of Western Australia, where I collected plenty o' blog fodder. (I not only saw kangaroos, I ate 'em!)

Stay tuned, patient readers! As soon as I deal with these deadlines...

Time To Give

I wish I'd known about Menu for Hope sooner, so I could have rounded up some prizes to add the raffle. But, it's not too late to give! This worldwide wine- and food-blogger fundraising effort is offering some amazing wine-y and foodie prizes, which could be yours for the price of a $10 raffle ticket. Just select the prize or prizes you want to win, and donate $10 to the cause. For details, visit http://chezpim.typepad.com.

Spotted in Sonoma: Bob's Bitch

So there I was, making the rounds at a trade tasting in Sonoma, when I ran into none other than Haiku-master Randy Hall. He spotted my name tag, introduced himself, then proceeded to open his flannel shirt to reveal the t-shirt underneath: You guessed it, Robert Parker's Bitch. Gotta love it! Randomly stumbling across Randy wearing this shirt seemed like a little too much of a coincidence.... Does he wear it every day? Man, I sure hope so.

By the way, Randy is a host on the excellent wine-y podcast, Wine Biz Radio. Each week the show takes a lighthearted look at what's going on in the industry. Special guests may include winemakers, industry gurus or even... Wine Broads. Yes, Randy has asked me to come by and sit in with the crew on Monday, the 19th, and I have a feeling it's going to be fun. Bob says: Check it out! (OK, he didn't actually say that, but I'm sure he would if he saw Randy sporting that shirt.)  

And the Winners Are...

Well, the moment of truth has arrived: After minutes of careful consideration, I've selected the winners of the RPB t-shirt contest. And naturally, I've rated the poems according to our beloved 100-point scale!

You may be scandalized to hear that the top-rated entry was a haiku, rather than a limerick. No doubt there are some who would say that by its very nature, a limerick is a more noble varietal of poem (what, with all the rhyming), and that a haiku is deserving of no more than 87 points, but what does it matter what YOU think? I'M THE POEM CRITIC AND THE ONLY OPINION THAT MATTERS IS MINE! MINE, I TELL YOU! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

But I digress. Following are the winning entries:

Parker sips my red
light body low alcohol
spits, screams: fifty points!

- Marco

RATING: 98

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A wine is not bound by its rating
Though some would have you believe it's berating
To be below 85
Best be buried alive
Maybe I'll have a better chance wine spectating

- Rocket21

RATING: 96

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Parkeresque wisdom

concentrate, yes concentrate

BOOM...an explosion

- Eric

RATING: 95

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In my market with a yen for some Pinot,
to match with my Friday night beano,
My choices grew starker

whey I saw that Mr. Parker

had down rated my favorite vino.

- Bradley

RATING: 94

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One day in the grocery store
I spied a real Parker whore
With Wine Advocate clutched
And his eyebrows bunched
For the 90-pointers were no more!

- Randy

RATING: 92 (bonus points for submitting a limerick, a haiku, free verse AND iambic pentameter!)

Thanks to all the poets for their clever entries: You guys rock. Winners: Be sure to shoot me an e-mail with your mailing address so I know where to send the booty (as in, your exquisite t-shirts).

As for those who didn't make the cut, don't be sad: There's a great "loser prize" too! T-shirts are expensive, but Target was having a sale on tighty-whities (only slightly used), so you'll be receiving a limited-production pair of exclusive RPB underpants! You think I'm kidding? Send me your mailing address, non-winners, and see what happens.

Last Call For Poets

Attention winemaking poets: If you've been thinking about submitting a poem for the RPB t-shirt contest, now's the time to get crackin'. Sept. 6 is the last day to post your masterpiece. What, like you've got more important things to do? Crush, you say? Priorities, people!

Here's a limerick to inspire the stragglers:

When you're all making your wine

Keep only Bob's palate in mind

He'll reward all his bitches

With 100-point riches

and RPB t-shirts divine

T-Shirt Contest!

Thanks to “Wine Broad” plugs last week on Tom Wark’s Fermentation blog and from Robert Whitley on his Wine Review Online blog, I’ve had a surge in visitors to my little corner of the blogosphere. (Crap, I told myself I’d never use that stupid word! Of course, I also said I'd never have a blog.) The happy result of that increased traffic is that more winemakers have stepped forward to join the “Bob Bitches club" (a charming term coined by a reader).

While I’m not reckless enough to put the shirts into commercial production, I don't mind giving a few away for entertainment purposes. “What’s the catch?” you say. “You’re not just going to give me a free t-shirt!”

OK, there are a couple of requirements, but I think you’ll agree that they will benefit us all:

1) There's a limited number of shirts available, so you’ll have to compete for them. The top 5 winemaker-written Haiku or limerick poems posted about you-know-who (no, I'm not referring to Lord Voldemort, though some may say there are similarities) will score stylish RPB t-shirts for the people who wrote them. Need help with the poem formats? That’s what Google is for.

2) Each winner must agree to send me a photo of him/herself wearing the shirt, so I can post it here for everyone’s amusement (especially mine).

Fair enough? Now get writing!

Contest deadline is September 6.

Note: I don't, in fact, believe that Mr. Parker is the spawn of Satan. He wields unholy power over the U.S. wine industry not because he has everyone hyp-mo-tized, but because so many wineries send him samples and live-and-die by the results.

Robert Parker's Bitch

You’ve got to love a winemaker with a sense of humor. Here we have Pinotblogger Josh Hermsmeyer (of Russian River's Capozzi Winery) wearing the t-shirt I had made up and dared him to wear. (We were having a blog dialog about whether or not winemakers are going against their own palates to please wine critic Robert Parker, Jr. My comment was that I didn’t think all winemakers had become Parker’s bitches, whoring themselves out for high scores. I thought “Parker’s bitch” had a nice ring to it, and Josh agreed. Any other winemakers out there got the cojones?)

By the way, I recently interviewed Josh for an article about getting the most from your winery blog.

I'm on Va-CAY-Shun!

If you're wondering where I've been hiding over the last few days, I'm out exploring the wilds of Santa Barbara. Tonight I'm having dinner with a fantastic array of local winemakers, so I'll have much to report, wine and food-wise, when I return next week. (No, I didn't bring my laptop on my trip. It's a vacation, damnit!) Stay tuned!

Trade Show Mentality

I just got back from an industry conference, which had some fun moments (drinking some really good wine and hanging out with my office-mates), some incredibly boring moments and some really irritating ones. The irritating ones came courtesy of a guy who somehow decided during the course of an otherwise-fun "professional" event that he wanted to sleep with me. (We're both married, by the way.) I just can't relate to the "trade show mentality" that a lot of people have--namely, that it's OK for married people to screw around at conferences, and that somehow it doesn't count once you get home. Creepy. Anyone else out there have a story about being hit on at a conference?

Yes, I know I'm lame

I know I promised to at least post a wine o' the week, and no, I haven't done it. Get off my back already! Sorry. Anyway, I've held off on posting new stuff not only because I have a lot of other crap to do, but because I was trying to figure out what sort of stuff I wanted to post here. I've since realized that I can post whatever I damn well please (yeah!), so I'm going to stop over-thinking this and just forge ahead. I was starting to feel pressure (self-imposed) to turn this into some kind of magazine, but that's not the point of a blog, now is it? I'll post my wine o' the week before the end of this week. REALLY!